May is always a month that trips me up. May 11th marked 10 years since my father passed away, it's that week-year, after year- that has me reflecting on life, am I doing what I love? Am I being true to myself, am I taking care of myself? Am I at peace?
It's good but it's also challenging, sometimes the answer is 'no' and you have to then 'check yourself', aka. put in the time and energy into working on yourself and your own happiness. Which isn't always easy or accommodating to your current busy-as-hell schedule. But that's exactly what I'm doing, back to basics; back to positive affirmations and daily grateful lists, meditating everyday, nourishing my body with only things that fuel me, furthering my practice in yoga, and really fucking trusting the universe to lead me to where I need to go.
The pain of the extremely sudden loss of my dad will never go away, it's embedded in my chemical make up. However, that doesn't mean I let it control who I am today and how I live. He wouldn't want me to be eternally sad, to be angry at the world, and he most definitely wouldn't want me to live in fear- constantly waiting for some shitty shoe to drop. I now believe, which has taken years to come to, that he is everywhere, his energy and soul is still very much alive. I see the stars that light up my night as him, the sun that warms me and makes me smile as him, the wind that makes me feel alive again when I am feeling so low. I also believe he keeps me safe, my guardian angel assisting me as I go about my life journey, weeding the toxic people out of my life and bringing in evolved beings who are truly and authentically good people.
I really am lucky, I got to spend 14 years with a father who treated me like a little princess, who encouraged my creative mind, who taught me so much about respect for others and for yourself, he really fucking loved me and thats why I'm lucky. Of course, my situation is not ideal- somedays I don't want to get out of bed, looking at pictures and just feeling my heart break, but then I think about some of my friends, my extended family members, and mere acquaintances who's father's are still here and have been just terrible, leaving emotional scars on their children. And when I do that, I can be nothing but grateful for this life and the hand I was dealt.
In loving memory of my father, John Root.
My favorite fucking human, there will never be another like you.
01.01.61 - 05.11.06
ps. the dress is from ASOS, the bag from ZARA, and I made the choker.